BDSM and the Absence of Politeness | A BDSM 101 Guide for Newcomers

Last Updated on: 1st January 2026, 10:29 pm

I’ve had people question me about this more times than I can count. Sometimes it’s genuine curiosity. Sometimes it’s confusion wrapped in judgment. Whenever a submissive or a slave does something for me – completes a task, sends a gift, transfers a stack of Lindens – I don’t always use politeness like “please” or “thank you.”

And that rubs some people on the outside the wrong way.

But here’s the thing people don’t understand: leaving out “please” and “thank you” in the context of a consensual D/s dynamic isn’t rude. It’s not disrespectful but it is intentional.

We’ve all been raised to say those words. They’re drilled into us from the moment we can speak. Be polite. Be kind. Say thank you when someone hands you something. Say please when you want something. That’s basic social etiquette. It’s how you survive in polite society.

But BDSM is not polite society.

We’ve also been taught not to hurt others. Not to hit. Not to degrade. Not to control. And yet, in the world of kink, those same acts – done with consent – become tools of connection, trust, and intensity. A leather whip cracked across bare flesh would be abuse at a dinner party, but in a dungeon with a safeword in place, it becomes expression.

So why is it so hard to understand that our language shifts just as much as our behaviour does?

This part of BDSM 101 is about deprogramming. It’s about understanding that Dominance and submission don’t follow the same scripts we were handed in childhood. And once you understand that, the whole dynamic starts to make a lot more sense.

Please and Thank You | Social Scripts in a Power Structure

Let’s strip it all the way back. Why do we say please and thank you in the first place? What’s the actual purpose behind those words?

We’re being polite. That much is obvious. But politeness isn’t just about manners – it’s about intent. It’s about how we communicate respect, and why.

When we say please, we’re offering a softener. We’re recognising someone’s agency – that they have the right to say no. It’s a way of saying, “I know I’m asking something of you, and I respect you enough to ask it in a way that doesn’t presume authority.”

Same with thank you. When we say it, we’re acknowledging that someone made an effort. That they had a choice. And that we appreciate their decision to act.

These things are expected in formal settings, or when we’re speaking to someone we don’t know well. We say them when we want to demonstrate that we’re not stepping out of line. They exist to smooth out the awkward friction between strangers, equals, and situations where power dynamics aren’t clearly established.

Politeness Doesn’t Always Fit Inside Power Exchange

BDSM is built on power dynamics. That’s the whole point.

Here’s a perfect example to really lock this in.

You’re at an army training camp. You’re a fresh recruit. Your commanding officer looks you dead in the eye and barks,

“Drop and give me 50.”

Now imagine they say instead,

“Please, get down on the floor and I would appreciate if you did 50 press-ups.”

It completely changes the dynamic. It shifts the tone from command to request. And that request now implies optionality, even if it’s technically not. That subtle change makes a difference, and in an environment built on rank and order, it undermines the structure.

The same principle applies in D/s.

A Dominant isn’t being rude when they omit please – they’re reinforcing the structure. They’re establishing that this is not a negotiation. This is not a polite suggestion. It’s an order. And that order exists inside a dynamic where good will is already understood.

You’ve negotiated the scene. You’ve laid the ground rules. You’ve agreed to the power imbalance.
That is the respect.

In fact, many Dominants and submissives intentionally strip these social cues away to heighten the rank difference. Language becomes a tool to communicate status. Omitting please doesn’t mean “I don’t care about you.” It means, “Your submission is not conditional. It’s expected.”

When Thank You Isn’t Necessary (And Why That’s Not Rude)

Now let’s talk about thank you.

The same framework applies. It can be a way of showing appreciation, sure – but it also implies that what was done was optional. That the person could have chosen not to do it.

In a consensual D/s dynamic, many acts are not optional. They’re expected. That doesn’t mean they’re unappreciated, but the appreciation comes from a different place. It’s not always vocalised with words. It can be seen in aftercare, in recognition, in the simple act of accepting the submission for what it is.

When a submissive follows an order, and the dynamic is built on mutual trust and negotiated power, thank you doesn’t have to follow every act. Because the respect is built in. The appreciation is built in.

Politeness doesn’t disappear in BDSM – it transforms. It becomes something new. More charged. More meaningful. And sometimes, it’s louder in its absence than it ever would be in its presence.

When Politeness Is Part of the Scene – And When It’s Not

Now, let’s not pretend that no one wants politeness in BDSM. Of course there are Dominants who say please and thank you. Of course there are submissives who need that feedback. That doesn’t break the structure, it personalises it.

If you’re a Dominant and you want to say please or thank you – do it.
If you’re a submissive and you like hearing it? You’re absolutely allowed to ask for it.

This is the core of BDSM: consent and communication.

If you’re a Dominant who doesn’t say please because it feels out of place in your dynamic, that’s not rudeness – it’s expression. If your submissive doesn’t expect or want a thank you because they’re deep in their submissive headspace, that doesn’t mean they don’t value themselves.

It means you both understand your roles and you’re expressing them how they work for you.

From the outside looking in, it might look cold. It might look harsh. But that’s the problem with outside perspectives – they’re not living it. What one couple sees as distant, another sees as pure connection. You don’t get to tell another Dominant “Make sure you thank them” or “Make sure and give them some praise.” You don’t get to decide for someone else what their expression of Dominance or submission should look like.

Praise Kink | Yes, It’s a Thing

Now let’s talk about something that blends politeness, affection, and arousal: praise kink.

Telling your sub or slave “Good boy”, “You did so well”, “That was perfect, just like I wanted” – this doesn’t make you less Dominant. You’re not suddenly soft or weak because you use praise. That might be the exact thing that fuels your submissive’s desire to serve.

And if you’re not into that? That doesn’t make you less Dominant either.

Praise kink lives in the sweeter, gentler corner of BDSM. It’s nurturing. It’s affirming. It’s very different from degradation or humiliation kinks – and that’s the point. Some people don’t want to be called cunt, or bitch. Some want to be told they’re perfect, precious, loved.

Personally? I’m not that sweet. I can’t do it, it’s not my style. The praise kink lexicon of “You’re such a good boy” doesn’t really roll off my tongue the same way “Kneel, bitch” does. But I respect it for those who do enjoy it.

Because here’s the truth: BDSM is never black and white.

There’s No One Way to Be Dominant or Submissive

Whether you say please or don’t. Whether you use praise or hold silence. Whether you play soft or go full sadist – none of those things determine your validity as a Dominant or submissive.

You’re not less if you don’t say thank you.
You’re not less if you do.

Every single dynamic is different. What works for one might feel completely unnatural for another. And that’s exactly what makes BDSM such a beautiful, flexible, human thing.

We shed the layers of what we’re taught to be polite or acceptable. We rebuild communication from scratch. We take the parts that work, and we throw out the ones that don’t.

That’s not rude.
That’s not broken.
That’s the whole fucking point.

Want More? Explore the Rest of BDSM 101

If this post hit something in you – or if it stirred up more questions than answers – you’re not alone. That’s the beauty of BDSM. It’s layered, it’s messy, it’s personal, and it’s full of nuance.

You can read more from my BDSM 101 series, including:

• Dark Secrets of a Sexual Sadist in Second Life
• The Truth About BDSM in Second Life

I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I do share what I’ve learned from living this life. And if there’s a particular kink, concept, or dynamic you want to see broken down?

Drop a comment below or reach out. I’m always open to hearing from people who want to understand more – or who just want to talk kink without all the sugarcoating.